how to...

barbra's guide to surviving hot weather:
(the term "hot weather" becomes applicable when temperatures reach 80 degrees or above; it may also be used interchangeably when humidity is high, even if the temperature is below 80 degrees Fahrenheit).

1. stay inside. forget bonding with your fellow man. you don't want to stand next to them anyways, especially in the only non-ventilated subway car that's been collecting and brewing a concoction of body odors, perfume overdoses, rotting food, and heat. one may also bask in the shade of objects/buildings/living organisms larger than themselves, such as a skycraper, a weeping willow, or a 6-ft scandinavian at a street corner, waiting for the light to change.

2. wear clothes. this may seem counterintuitive considering all the people who traisp around in skimpy outfits and bikinis. i must point out, however, scientific evidence that clothes are helpful - exhibit a: look at any light-skinned person who decided the less clothes the better and who stays out in the sun. examine the skin of said specimen and notice bright red blotchy areas where the sun's rays alighted upon them. they would not be red and wincing in pain if they had prudently decided to wear more clothes.

i must point out, however, that you don't have to wear a lot of clothes; this isn't winter nor are you martin lawrence trying to lose weight running around. light, thin, loose clothing will suffice. just be prepared for the holler-ation.

if all else fails, you just hope and pray that your ancestors came from a tropical environment and thus, rely on genetics to pull you through.

3. use sunscreen. this advice should be heeded especially if one goes on and ignores #2. i personally approve of neutrogena's sunscreen, spf 55 (woot. uva and uvb protection). i'm not about to slap on lotion that refers to bananas or boats, thank you very much.

4. hydrate yourself, both inside and out. drink fluids. many many fluids. just not beer. honestly, i don't see how people drink that when it's super hot. who wants to feel bloated AND sweaty? i'm not trying to be a water balloon. i do, however, condone the use of hard liquors - margaritas are gold! i also recommend taking 3-4 showers. one could also go to a swimming pool to achieve the same effect, but i must mention two things: 1) when you shower, you shower alone. you're not sharing the same big old bathtub cocktail of urine, chlorine, and sweat with 30 other people. 2) the water temperature is adjustable.

5. avoid hard work. sleep. read a book. watch a robin fly by. contemplate if those squirrels are fighting or mating. save that scheduled bullying of little tommy two-teeth for another day.


enjoy! :)

the end.