wait for it.

i'm usually, typically, sometimes a patient person.

i'll wait in line at the store, while 1) the register person works obscenely slow & stops every few seconds to make some random comment to the person next to them and 2) the customer at the front of the line is not only buying three versions of the same dress (only in different colors) but is also returning 4 or 5 items previously purchased that "just didn't work out." we ALL know you wore them out to the club, dear.

actually, to be honest - in that situation, i would exhale a low "whatthefuck," take it all as a sign that i shouldn't be buying this cheap - but guilt-drenched sweatshop crap anyways, and just walk out of the store.

but i'm saying - i think i'm pretty patient over all. i can wait for most things. long lines at jamba juice, people ambling onto the bus, meat to defrost, clothing to end up in the clearance section or in tj maxx/marshalls/nordstrom rack, ramen to overcook to a gooey consistency in the microwave, cars to speed by so i can cross before the pedestrian light turns green, etc., etc.

today, however, i realized there are just some things you wait for with dread - because you don't want them to come, but they need to. awkwardly phrased, i know.

take for instance, the classic feminine example. the pill - that classic saver of many a lust-filled night - is supposed to prevent pregnancy yes - but also regulate your periods, make them shorter, and generally just fuck with your hormones (because you, my friend, want to fuck someone else). anyways, what this means is that, generally, your period is pretty predictable. i should have gotten my period yesterday. but it didn't arrive. trip after bladder-relieving trip to the bathroom and still i noticed nothing horror-movie related. i just want this to be over and done. seriously. the quicker it comes, the faster it's gone.

finally, it came along today. i should be glad it's here. that's what i wanted, right?

but no! i hate it. with a passion. it's so inconvenient. damn these male-favored machinations of reproductive success!

continuing along this line of agonizing anticipation (as well as receipt), there's a confrontation that needs to occur - with questions to be hurled, answers to be blurted out, silence to be chewed upon like it's the last piece of meat left on earth, truths that will never make it pass the green room, and many more metaphors that make no sense. i don't like confrontation - especially when i dread the outcome. i abhor uncertainty. i'm avoidant all costs. i'm discovering, however, that my body does not like this. nope, it doesn't believe in all this mental masochism. it's telling me as it tosses and turns at night and my heart attempts to suppress slight palpitations to just say something. anything. it's tired of the waiting and the inevitable emotional rollercoaster rides that happen all too frequently now.

i'm tired too - i feel like i've lost control. i fight logic, curiosity, clarity - it doesn't make sense. i don't make sense.

and so it goes. i'm on the brink. i've started to crumble already.

inevitable. but it'll come.